Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! Wow, how long has it been? Honestly, I have a long story for you all, but it might have to wait because I'm in Multi Media 2 right now. Heh. We'll see how far I get, okay?


A few weeks before Christmas break, I had gotten a lot of bad news about people leaving the roleplay. Honestly, I was devastated and crushed and I felt dead. All hope was lost and my best friends were even disappearing. It was my all time low and  I didn't know what to do. Anyway, finals week was coming up and I was super determined to make the cut - even if it were C's. I worked super hard despite the huge ass stress issue and passed all my classes except for Pre-Calculus. I was fine with it though because I really wanted to retake it anyway to actually understand the lessons instead of breezing through like we did. I've also decided to stick with a junior college first (if I can't get into a state college). I'm totally okay with it and it's boosted my confidence to go further. I was improving for a long time until holiday break came.

Nights were the most vulnerable because I had nothing else to do but think. I couldn't go back to tumblr or the roleplay because the pain was just too unbearable for me. One night though, while my sisters were having a sleepover, I had gone online. I talked to Cass for a while until I had been shocked by a text message (I don't text many people anymore). And of course, it was from the one person who has made me my saddest - Jonathan.
I honestly didn't think I'd hear from him again at that point so I nearly had a heart attack. I wasn't really sure if I was happy or mad, but I was more confused. He wished me a happy holiday and that was enough to make me almost have a panic attack.

The stress and anxiety had still been there at the time and I didn't know how to handle it. It was the first time I had an actual (massive) headache. I talked to Cass about it, but of course she wanted me to ignore it. How could I? Especially when it was the person I fell so hard for? It was impossible. So I waited for a while, then texted him back with many hopes but not high ones. I was nervous. A little later, he had texted me back and conversation started up again. Small, awkward talk but it was a conversation.

I was a little at ease then. I couldn't just let him slip away from me in such a bad way (because our reasons were just too horrible to ignore and forget). Anyway, the holidays were over and new years came around. I had spent my time on my personal dashboard and found it inspirational when quotes were being reblogged. 2013 would be a better year, one that I wont want to forget. I was determined to make it the best and I'm still determined. It's a new blank book and I'm content.

But after a few weeks of long pauses and little talk, Jonathan had texted me with what was my worst nightmare. He had told me that he was letting me go and setting me free. Of course I didn't want that. No way in a million years would I want to be forgotten by him. I was even more broken than I was already. I was the walking dead for the longest time. School was my only getaway where I didn't even have time to think of those bad moments, but still. What was I supposed to do when night approached? I wanted death.. I wanted the pain to leave. I had hit rock bottom.

Now, don't hate him just because he hurt me. You should also hate me for acting so depressing and dramatic. I was honestly digging my own grave as well instead of keeping my head held high. Yeah, it's hard to do such a task but it was partly my fault too. Anyway, not too long ago (a few days ago actually), I had gotten a text from him saying that he wanted to talk for a little while. I honestly had no idea what to do and I couldn't tell Cass. I was nervous and preparing for the ultimate worst. 

At first, I thought it was silly to go back so I ignored it for a while until I thought of myself as a jack ass. There was no way I was going to treat him like how he treated me. I wanted to be treated in the right way, so therefore I had to make it right. I finally messaged him back with an apology for taking so long and he replied again, but then there was something in me that didn't want to reply again. I wanted him to also get a taste of his own medicine and just like that I went from being reasonable to cynical. 

Later, when I couldn't resist any longer, I checked his other tumblr and saw that he had ranted about my second delay because he really thought of me so highly and not as lowly as how I acted. Feeling really bad and distressed, I replied to him again (after waiting of course). He was somewhat aggravated, but I knew he probably wanted to talk to me too. Later that night, I went on msn to see that he wasn't. I waited for a while, talking to my new friend who roleplays as Kibum. He kept me entertained until a sudden message popped up. As shocked and scared as I was, he made me listen to his apology and what he wanted to say.

He basically got to the point and told me that he can't just forget the horrible things that had happened during the duration of those few months, but that he also can't live without me in his life. Somewhat happy, somewhat relieved, and somewhat still on edge .. I replied back with an agreement. We had finally resolved our stress and our sadness and I was just straight out relieved now. We had a nice little conversation like the old times before he sent me off to bed (it was already 4 AM over on my side). There, I had gained a friend back.. even when losing Yukwon the next day. I was just relieved that I didn't have to live without my best friend.

And so that concludes my very, very emotional and stressful holiday. Honestly, I think I'll be okay but please wish me luck. I need all of it! Happy new year, lovelies.

Love, Erica